Okay, so this may sound strange, but I want to write about a myth that people have about me. I consistently get the impression that people think I am an incredibly confident person. The sort of person who doesn’t second guess their ideas or get their feelings hurt over minor comments or gestures. I have had multiple supervisors complement me on my confidence and I only get reactions of incredulity whenever I mention that I might feel shy about something.
The reality is I am SO NOT confident.
I am incredibly critical of myself; I second guess minute interactions; and I am CONSTANTLY concerned about the impressions that I have made on people.
The reality is that I have excellent coping skills. I know HOW to act confident and I know that I SHOULD be confident so I put up a confident front. I am cheerful and straightforward and I stick up for my ideas. And it works great, evidently, because everyone thinks I am so strong and confident.
But being that confident when you aren’t naturally confident takes a toll. And it’s on days like this that I feel that toll. The times when I am alone and I can let down the façade, I find it pretty hard to be me.
The truth is…
I would probably love to hang out with you, but I am terrified of rejection. I can imagine few things worse than forcing my company upon a person or group of people who would rather I not be there. So I have a really hard time inviting myself along to do stuff with you. I am petrified that you don’t want me there. I have spent many weekends completely on my own because I am sure that no one wants to hang out with me and I am too scared to ask if it’s true. I am sure that if I ask to hang out with you and you say yes, that you are doing so reluctantly and would be having a far better time if I just went home. I just know that you are rolling your eyes and talking behind my back about how I am so lame.
So if I haven’t said hi to you or smiled or whatever, it’s probably because I am afraid that I will be bugging you and I am trying to not be in your way. I probably would love to talk to you, but I am too insecure and shy to push myself on you and too good at faking confidence for you to realize my insecurity. To you, I probably look pretty bitchy, frankly, but I am just trying to hide behind a straight face.
I love you, honestly I do.
I am still working on loving me.