What are you waiting for? The last train left already.

How many times do I think: This is not how my life was supposed to turn out. Why wasn’t I more like her? or Why wasn’t I the me I am now instead of the me I was then? I would have been so much better off if…

I regret so many things in my life. I feel like I missed out time and time again, because I wasn’t the me I am now, then. Sometimes I feel that way for weeks. Other times it hits me out of no where.

Today was one of those days, I think it stuck me when I was on Facebook. I saw a post from someone I went to college with who just had a baby, an individual with whom I haven’t personally spoken to since college, yet I saw in her timeline posts from so many people that also went to school with us.

College is just one big regret for me. I was so mired in my own self doubts and insecurities that I never created the lifelong friendships that everyone else did. I didn’t know how. I look at all of those people on Facebook that I am “friends” with from college, but that I was never friends with in the first place. People that I didn’t say hi to when I walked past them on the sidewalk because I knew who they were, but I was scared they didn’t remember me.

Yeah, it was like that. I just feel like I missed out on so many great friendships and thus I feel so behind at the game of life.  And I know it’s not a competition, that we all come to the table with our own history, personality, strengths, and weaknesses, but sometimes I feel like God really blessed me in the weakness department.

I’m sorry, I mean, I don’t mean to be so chipper. Sometimes this stuff just needs to come out.

On the plus side, I like who I am now. I love the new friendships that I am building here in my new home state. I have great roommates, a rewarding job, and a great group of friends from church. I recognize that focusing on regret or what ifs won’t make any difference to now and that to have a better now I need to: just be me, not second guess life or friends or anything, and focus on loving the Lord and asking for his guidance and letting him show me where I should be. Because, after all, if heaven is where I want to end up, all of this regret in the middle means, well, not much more than a hill of beans.

 

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